24 November 2016
Yaahhh, i’m tired. Actually, i’m a little confused right now. After won two consequtive scientific paper competition, i thought at some point, i’ll change to be a better person. Bu it turns out, that i am the same bitch (or a douchebag to be precise) as i was when i first applied to this BLSP. I’m still a fucking lazy guy. Selfish. Self-oriented dickhead, who doesn’t now courtesy and integrity at all. All i have is my outlandish ambition and an intertwined double (or latent) personality that determined my identity as human being. Therefore, once (thrice or even more) in a while, like M. Fassbended in Stevejob’s movie, i will acted like i got this ‘card of nothing to lose’. And i tell you, it’s kind of stupid itself. Because when that happen, i usually (absolutely) gonna roll over on my bed, zoned out in my chamber, watching an adult (xxx and yyy) stuff, anime, music, playing games (not these days cause my battery is completely worn off), and in the climax, dream of something unconceiveable by regular human being. Sometimes, i’m gonna dream of becoming a king, a slave, a monster (ghost) hunter, got eaten by a giant-poisonous snake, got killed by woman that strangled me to death, run like hell from some sort of creature that always thinking that me in pieces is better for the whole world, and others foulish dreams. But, the problem is, it’s not all bad. Sometimes when my dophamine and nerves in my brain sincronizing in unison, i’ll get nice (awesome dream that will ease my mind and urge me to drown deeper, deeper, deeper, to the darkness of my own counciousness. Sometimes, the dreams, got melancholic. I got some experienced when i played dramas. Wether as a father, a lover, a betrayer, a psycopath, a killer, a sinner, etc. All of those dreams keep pushing me farther from reality. and the result, you don’t even need to asked, i got addicted. I can (really) sleep for 2 till 3 days without even know the time for eat, squash the lemon, or aware of the time nor weather. Neither of that really important anyway.
The problems began (surf up dude) when this addiction of mine got involved with my responbility of a member of this f-society. People around me, the organizations i belong to, and other things. Reality is sucks. And despite of my highest will to make zombie appocalypse really happening, things catch up pretty fast. In the end i got derailed, ex-communicated, and lectured (after a serious of mental beating -_-) by my colleagues in f-society. And every now and then, i get back to things and handle shit professionally again, with fully responsible to the things, and every now and then, got praised, got admired, and got loved by people (again, sometimes with disgust wkwkwk).
I realised that i can’t go on like this. It has to come to an end. If i want a better life, from aspect A to Z, i need (no bargain) to change. I must get rid of my addiction, and the foremost, i have to set the realization of my ambition, the first and only use of my life. I have to recompile all unnecessary burden, and put it aside as garnitures, and put my ambitions as the main dish of my life. My pleasures are intertwined with my ambition. My sadness is depends on my ambition. My intllectuality is judged from my ambition. Everything is ambition, and ambition is myself. Everything else is secondary, is not even worth my consideration. I have to think and act based on my ambition. Not just outside the box, but outside the imagination of the box’s maker. I can do it, because like i said in every single story in my life, there’s nothing impossible except become a god, and believe me lads, i ain’t interested of becoming one.
However, maybe this is a little outrageous (very), now i need to find the RIGHT (not left) methods. With general perception of human being around me, it’s not complicated. There’s parents, gods (different religions), paramores, people we admired, intricated (or damn simple) reasons, like i want rich, i want bitches, i want fame, i want power, blalallaalalala. But i still can’t find a good way to do it. To absolve my own ambition. I am like Tyrion Lannister, who said that fuck to believe, it’s often tempting but what’s the special occasion to do it?
Even then, at last, Tyrion believe in something, believe in Daenerys Targaryen. On the other hand, Jon has become the King in the North, and those stubborn northern bastards believe in him. So, it kind of simple now, i need something to believe in to pusue and subdue my ambition.
Another tricky problem emerged to the face of my fucking life. You see, i’m not born religious, i mean i don’t grow up in the environment that entitled religious. It’s continue till now. So, it’s kind of intricated to put my believe in religious manner. And again, i’m born poor. That’s true. But my poor level didn’t reach the minimum requirements to be considered as the ‘legal’ basis for my ambition. So let’s strike it from the list. Next is the person i admired. All of my ‘craziness’ comes from the fact that i am a socyopath (probably). The environment i was (or am) in only have a little thing to do with it. So, i don’t have any person around me that i admire so much. That said, it’s not mean that they don’t exist. That (or those) person that i admire, truly exist. Me and them (or she/he) just be separated by time quantum (ooohhh) or area. For example, you can call me racist (yaps) or sadist (hmmm) or immoral shit (i prefer to be immortal instead) but i admire Adolf Hitler. Put aside all of his immoral things, like the massacre of Jews, raging war, etc. I see him as the epic character. Imagine, a single man, rise to the prominent position, build his own power, and become the leader of his party, try to conquer the world. Not like others conqueror that usually have birth based as a booster to their power, Hitler has nothing. A mere peasant. Only his platinum tongue and incredible wits. I searched the internet to know people opinion if the Axis wins the war. A great epic of ar full of terror, stink of death, and betrayal.. huuuhhhh just thinking about it made my heart boiled (damn, now i look like a complete psycho). The point is, i admire him. That’s it.
So, i just need to find something to believe in, and to hang on to, meanwhile i destroyed my addiction, do do do do do and act to fulfill my ambition. Hmm.. sounds like a plan…
Sincerely me,
Hary Stiawan, the Fallen One.
Karya Hidupku, Bukti Bahwa Aku Ada. 